TORSDAG 2 FEBRUARI 2017
He came quite suddenly, even though i had felt the eerie thoughts creep up on me from time to time.
I had pushed the thoughts away every time. But now he was here, there was no point in my tears, no amount of money or deed could persuade him. He looked at me with the clearest of eyes I had ever seen. He really saw me, without all my complaints, pains, grievances.. or maybe he saw it all and it didn’t mattered to him. I asked him – “please, will you give me more time? There is so much I still want to do!”. He answered – “there is still much more you will do, but not in this body and not in this lifetime”.
I said – “I really don’t want to die! I haven’t told my family I love them, and I haven’t put my affairs in order”, with tears dripping down my face. Death answered – “They will know, they will know”.
Even though the answer didn’t satisfy me, I could feel the truth in his words, even if I couldn’t understand it. Still, I was not ready to go, I refused in fact. I was going to fight this with all the power I had. He said nothing more, still piercing me with his gaze. I was losing my mind and did my best to turn away from his eyes and hide. Everywhere I ran just led me back to him.
I don’t know how much time passed, maybe no time passed here, wherever “here” was. It looked like a normal day where I lived, except there were no people anywhere. We were standing in the playgrounds close to my home, I recognized it since we went here often and played with the dogs. Now just Me and Death were here in the playgrounds, it seemed like such an inappropriate place for him to be. Still nothing I did made any difference. He didn’t move and he didn’t speak. He just stood there looking at me. I tried to fight him, to knock him down. The first punch connected so perfectly for a second I thought he was going to stay down. But he just rose up totally unaffected without any sign of violence on his face or in his eyes. I couldn’t take it, I just ran away again.
He didn’t do anything except standing there and looking at me. I tried to widen the area I could walk in and managed to get into a house nearby without finding myself on the playground again. At least there I could shut the blinders and have some measure of privacy.
Days went, weeks went, I think. It felt like that at least, even though time was a bit weird here.
Every time I looked out the window I saw him watching me.
When it felt It had gone about 4 months I snapped, I searched the house for weapons, knifes, anything. I found a gun and bullets and made my way to the playground. This time he was finished I thought. I did not blink or think twice, this motherfucker was going to die. I shot him point blank emptying the clip. When he stood up and looked at me with the same clear eyes I fell back on my behind, it utter disbelief.
Back in the house I started feeling like it was time to give up, nothing worked. “Well maybe I’ll kill myself, at least then I won’t give Him the satisfaction!” – I thought.
It took a couple of days but I finally built up my courage and determination, I took a knife and plunged it into my throat.
Next thing I know, I’m standing in front of Death, gazing in his eyes. I snap back and run back to the house. There is no sign of my blood or body or anything. I do it again, and yet again I find myself in front of Death.
Nothing works, I can’t even kill myself and escape this maddening terrifying nightmare. I lie in bed and shut my eyes. I feel utter despair, I feel like my complete existence is being ripped apart. But I have no more strength left to resist it. Maybe this is a welcomed fate? “Nonexistence, might be better than this crap” – I think. So I go into it, nonexistence. I feel the roots of my identity being ripped up from the ground and tossed in the fires of darkness. One second I’m here, the next I’m not. Fear rushes in. I open my eyes and make sure I’m still there.
I go out and stand in front of Death and ask him – “what is death like?”
He didn’t answer me, I figured he was angry with me for shooting him and stabbing myself. Anyway he stood there silently. So I start looking into his eyes more purposefully and with intent. He has such beautiful eyes, I didn’t notice before. Death is quite beautiful now that I’m looking at him. I shudder at the thoughts and shake my head. – “whoa, what the hell was that?” I’m not homophobic but I’m not attracted to men. I run away again.
It takes about a week I think for me to come out of the house again. This time Death is smiling slightly as he is watching me. I stand in front of him and look deeply into his eyes. I just don’t have the willpower anymore to resist. But I’m not going to let him just take me or whatever he wants to do with me. So I stand there half terrified half defiant and look him in the eyes. I don’t know how long we stand there, I stop thinking all together. Or rather, I don’t care or take any more notice of my thoughts and they slowly fade away until just a vast silence is peering into another vast silence. And then I realize, he is me, I’m him. He is not even a he. It was just a mask I had put on him. Same as the mask I had put on myself. At that point all my fear faded completely.
And I was once again at one with all there is.